WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
How naked do you want me to be?
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