I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
