thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
that is very illegal...i love you.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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