Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
