woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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