How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
