so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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