I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
