Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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