So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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