I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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