Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
