I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I wish I could teleport
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
