Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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