I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
