On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
