I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
