i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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