I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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