I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
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Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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