I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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