i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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