Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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