Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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