why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
