mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
