if i can run in heels then i can drive
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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