I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
