life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
