i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
