My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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