I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
