So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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