it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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