apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize