I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
