Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
