When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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