I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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