I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
