Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
