If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
