I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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