I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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