i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Randomize
