There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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