how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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