It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Randomize
