Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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