I just saw a hot homeless man
I think I won the penis lottery.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
