So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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