My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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