My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
