I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
