For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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