I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Drake has all the answers
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
