Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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