I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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