I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
