pedialite and red bull = repair kit
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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