I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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