Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
