he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
