I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
